Nope, Can’t Do That

The Dude and I are going to a (relatively low-key) wedding today. Normally, when I go to a wedding or similar (particularly outdoor!) event, I like to gussy up a bit and wear contacts and some makeup instead of my usual glasses and clean-faced look. The reception is going to be outside, but I just can’t bring myself to try to get my makeup right today.

I am laughably bad at putting on makeup. I can usually get the eyeliner on okay, but everything is downhill from there, particularly when it comes to eye makeup. I have super long eyelashes, so any clumps are very noticeable and pretty clownish. Most of the time, no amount of eyelash curling or combing makes much of an improvement.

And, don’t even get me started on eyeshadow. The last time I tried it, I looked like I got punched in the face. Or, just woke up after a hard night of partying. Seriously. It was awful.

As I was contemplating how horrible I am at doing makeup, I started thinking about other ridiculous things I’m terrible at.  Here are some things I came up with:

  1. Makeup. See above for the horror of doing my eyes. Also, I can never get my blush even, and lipstick makes me look crazy.
  2. Slicing bread. Or, lemons. If I try to cut a slice of bread… well, let’s just say the loaf will never be the same. No matter how hard I try, the slice will always be jagged and uneven. Always. Same goes for lemons. It’s so bad, The Dude has banned me from lemon slicing.
  3. Trusting that I didn’t leave the stove on or the door unlocked. I drive The Dude crazy with this. He’s even resorted to having me take pictures of the closed and locked door and turned off stove. I still obsess.
  4. Dealing with my hanger. You know, when you’re so hungry that you’re angry. If I’m hungry (even a little) and don’t get food in relatively short order, I’m a nightmare to deal with. You wouldn’t like me when I’m hangry.
  5. Grilling. Or, even being willing to try grilling. There’s just too much heat or knobs or danger of setting my eyebrows on fire or something.

None of these things (with the possible exception of #3) is a big deal. They aren’t things I feel like I need to work on or get past. They’re just part of who I am. They’re things I can laugh at myself about, and things I don’t care if other people tease me for. I think everyone needs a list of things like that.

Maybe next, I’ll make a list of ridiculous things I am good at (like making lists)!

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